The Toughest Time

Last Friday, Hsaio-Wei and I happily went to the doctor ready to have the amino test for our third baby, only to be shocked by the news that based on the ultra sound, the NT (Nachal Translucency) of our baby was abnormally thick, and the whole body seemed to be covered by a thin layer (胎兒水腫). Dr. Lo advised us that given the situation, there is a extremely high chnace that this baby is abnormal, and immediately, our mood turned from the high excitement of trying to learn the sex of the baby, to the unacceptable and most difficult decision as what to do next.

It's been an extremely difficult weekend, and I've been crying so much. Thinking about this little thing which has just now turned 18 weeks, a baby that we are all anxiously waiting, may eventually never have the chance to come to our family gives me heartache. And only till this time I realised that despite this is our third baby, our knowledge about abnormalities during pregnancy is still unlimited and poor. I guess none of us would probably bother and trying to learn (or maybe even avoid considering the possibilities, and always thinking, it will never happen to me). I've done much homework over the weekend, search the sites both internationaly and also domestically. The more I learned, the more worried I am, given based on everyting I had read, chances are - this baby of ours ( today being hinted by Dr. Lo as a boy, who if were identified normal, would bring us so much escatcy) has an EXTREMELY HIGH CHANCE of being abnormal, either chromosome-related, or born with some birth defact most likely in the are of some heart disease. And the implication is - a scary term "termination of pregancy".

This morning, I have proceeded with the amino test, the object was to first eliminate or confirm any abnormalities related to chromosome. Result will be avaible in two weeks, and if bad news, we may even learn it earlier. Assume if the result turned out to be okay, next step is to proceed with the high-resolution ( or the 4-D scan) scan, which can help examine all body organs, particularly the heart, to confirm if any abnormalities. Doctor said there is a chance that sometimes, this thin layer or the fluid accumulated at the neck goes away, but that is rare, and he has advised me to prepare for the worst, and based on experiences, chances are, situation will only get worse, and we will end up having to face the most difficult decision - which is to terminate.

At this point in time, there is nothing we can do other than pray. And only God will decide if we will be able to keep this little baby - of course, a healthy one.

I want to write this down because I want to capture this 充滿慌亂, 傷心, 期望而又可能面對最壞情況的心情. I am already feeling much better today as I am preparing myself for the worst, though difficult but am trying to manage.. this is so hard, and I guess it is a feeling and emotion that only a mother who had gone through the same can understand.

I now leave this to God's hand........